A Mistake Too Far
by audhds
Summary: My first fan-fic! This story explores Snape's family life, first encounter with the Marauders and his first few days at Hogwarts, where he hopes he will be able to escape the abusing hand of his father. Warning for abuse, self harm, anorexia and OCD, but I don't think I was too graphic :S x Pretty please review, it doesn't take long and will make my day :) I do not own Harry Potter


Snape awoke with a start, '_today is the day'_ he thought, a small smile playing across his thin lips, which in itself was unusual for the eleven year old boy. Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed Snape was hit by the harsh cool air and pain ricocheting through his chest. For a brief moment he contemplated snuggling up under the threadbare covers again to kill time until 8 O'clock, but that would be a 3 hour wait and by that point his father would be awake. Tobias Snape was the last person that Severus wanted to bump into this morning, he despised anything magic and Snape was hoping to get ready to leave without being intercepted. With a low sigh, Snape sat up and made his way over to his wardrobe, a more accurate description being a few nails hammered into the wall, from which a pitiful number of clothes hangers were suspend.

Snape only owned a few items of clothing, all of which were hand-me-downs from his mother and father. Rummaging through the clothing Severus picked out the three least offending items which had the least holes. Eventually deciding on a white blouse that belonged to his mother, 3 sizes too big, and a pair of his father's old trousers, which were 2 inches too short and had fraying hems. He then tiptoed discretely over to his chest of draws where he pulled out his best pair of socks, which he had darned over the heel, although there was still a hole from which his toe would protrude. He then pulled out a grey pair of underpants and scooped up his favorite, oversized jacket from the floor, and made his way silently to the bathroom. Stripping off his pajamas Snape turned on the shower, a burst of cold water hitting him and momentarily knocking his breath out. '_The heating must be broken again!' _He thought grouchily, '_no wonder it was so cold this morning when I woke up._' Furthermore, there was no shampoo. He painfully used a cloth to wipe away the dried blood on his back and tried desperately not to cry out. Snape wondered whether these were all bad omens, but dismissed the idea immediately. Hogwarts would be great, he could finally escape the iron fist of his father and will be able to brew potions and cast spells, and maybe he could learn how to turn his father into a toad or something, although Snape had a sneaky suspicion that wizards did not do that in real life.

After 5 minutes in the freezing cold shower Severus clambered out and wrapped a small towel around his waist, moving over to the sink where he could wash his face and shave. Snape stared into the mirror with an expression of self loathing, his body was far too skinny, and his ribs were all prominent and could easily be counted, as well as being bruised and painful. His stomach was completely flat and his skin so pale that he could make out each vein trailing its way towards his skinny, scarred wrists. Even his arms and legs were slender, and he was unable to press his thighs together, a task made impossible by their piteous width. His entire body was covered in welts and bruising of various shades, green, yellow, purples and blue, all of which were a result of his father's frequent beatings. The bruises surrounding his ribcage and the cuts on his back were the most worrying and once again Snape wondered whether his ribs had indeed been broken yesterday.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

FLASHBACK

Tobias Snape was walking towards Severus who was reading his first year potions book. A creaking floorboard noted Severus that he was no longer alone and before he could hide the book he was pushed to the ground, being punched and kicked ruthlessly. Snape screamed for mercy and begged his father to stop. The pain in his ribs was unimaginable. '_I can't breath. Oh God I am going to die. My chest. STOP. Please stop. Not today. I am going to Hogwarts Tomorrow. It hurts too much. I am going to be sick.'_ His father then removed his belt and bore it down onto Snape's back, eliciting screams of agony and causing blood to flow freely onto the floor.

Thoughts were rushing through Snape's mind and soon he was rendered incapable of thinking and could no longer scream or breathe, he vomited up the meager contents of his stomach, which mixed with the pool of blood forming on the floor. Everything hurt! Snape closed his eyes and fell deep into unconsciousness.

It had taken 2 hours for Severus to awaken from this attack and as soon as he roused himself he silently pleaded that unconsciousness would take a hold of his body again. His whole chest ached and breathing was incredibly painful, each breath felt shallow and Snape was certain he would suffocate. After lying on the cold, hard ground for a further 20 minutes, Snape had managed to pick himself up, pull on his pajamas and collapse into bed.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

Thinking of yesterday's events Snape was overcome with anger, towards himself, towards his father, towards everyone who had failed to save him and pulled the razor out from its glass. He stared at the instrument for a few seconds before bringing it down hard onto his left wrist creating 5 more slashes below yesterdays, each precisely 3mm apart. He watched in fascination as bead of blood trickled down his forearm and swayed slightly on his feet, before wiping the razor clean, shaving and sitting on the edge of the toilet to think. Even when it came to cutting Snape found the need to make the process neat and orderly, each cut an even length and equidistant from the previous. His father always took offence to Snape's obsessive compulsive activities, such as switching the heating and volume onto an even number, checking doors are locked, cleaning his room at least 3 times a day, ensuring the tap and gas are off and ordering everything from cutlery to mugs in height descending order.

Whenever Tobias walked in on Snape undertaking one of these activities Snape would be grabbed and beaten repeatedly until he begged for forgiveness, promising that he would not continue. However, after the beatings Snape would find the compulsions even more unbearable, frantically carrying out his daily activities until his father would once again discover him going against orders. This was a vicious cycle and Snape had no idea how to escape, until of course he received his letter from Hogwarts on his eleventh birthday. Snape was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realise he had dressed himself, bandaged his wounds and started cleaning and packing everything in his room on autopilot. After scrubbing the windowsill for the fourth time Snape looked at the clock, 7. That would have to do, if he spent any more time in this room he would go mad, so Snape made his way down to the kitchen with his suitcase and made his way over to the bread bin. There was only one end slice left, with a suspicious green patch running along the crusts. Snape grabbed a knife, resisted the urge to bring it to his wrist and chopped of the mouldy crusts with the aid of a ruler, so that he was left with a perfect square of bread. As per usual there was no butter, so Snape spooned on two level teaspoons of jam, the same amount as he used every morning, another one of his many rituals. He then sat down to eat, regretting his decision and immediately feeling sick Snape retched into the sink, and then spent the next half an hour scrubbing the basin with bleach, splashing some onto his hand by accident and enjoying the searing pains that shot through his arm.

That was when he heard his father come down stairs, and quickly scooted away from the sink and into the corner of the room until his father gave him instructions. "Get me a beer boy" … "HURRY UP!" Snape obliged, opened a can of Budweiser and passing it over to his father who snatched it up and downed half the can in just 3 gulps. Severus knew this would not go well and decided to try and escape as soon as possible, even though the Hogwarts Express would not leave until 12 O'clock. "Father," he whispered timidly, "I have to go now." No response, Severus took this as his chance, grabbed his suitcase and hurried into the narrow corridor, he glanced back taking in the beige stained carpet, peeling wallpaper and bare light bulb before focusing on his father. A small part of him had hoped that Tobias Snape would apologise for his mistreatment, offer him a hug and beg him not to leave. Of course this would never have happened and Severus cursed himself for being so naïve as to hope for a sign of affection from the man slouched over the kitchen table in front of him.

Blinking back tears Severus opened the front door, passed through and vowed never to set foot in Spinners End again, even if that meant living on the streets during the summer holidays. Dragging his suitcase along Snape slowly made his way to the station, walking as slowly as possible in order to kill time. His head hurt and he was beginning to feel dizzy due to his malnutrition. The familiar sense of hunger was coursing through his stomach, although he didn't mind. In a strange way Snape took comfort from the reliability of his stomach's response to being underfed, if he didn't eat, his stomach would grumble, it was as simple as that and Severus enjoyed the way in which he had control of at least one aspect of his own life. His anorexia was in his own hands, his father did not care enough to intervene and this made Snape feel more secure, although whenever he looked at his skinny body he felt disgusted and ugly, wishing for the remaining fat to disappear. Whenever it came to eating he couldn't bring himself to eat more than a few mouthfuls without throwing up. Sighing Snape sat down on a bench, closing his eyes and waiting for the dizziness to pass.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

At 10:45 Snape continued on his route, arriving at King's Cross at 11:30. Only half an hour before he would be free of the muggle world that had treated him with nothing but unkindness. Snape then felt a sudden rush of fear when he realised he had no idea how to get to Platform 9 ¾ and decided to watch out for anyone carrying a large trunk in the segment between Platforms 9 and 10. Eventually, after watching two families surreptitiously passing through a brick wall Snape made his move, hoping that the feat was as easy as the others had made it look. A strange feeling rushed through Severus' body as he felt himself pass through the wall and he marveled at the sight before him. A large steam train was waiting on the track where numerous witches and wizards were chattering to each other and offering their children last minute advice, comfort, hugs and kisses. Snape felt overwhelmed by a sudden sense of loneliness but pushed it aside, he would soon find friends at Hogwarts and from what he had read in 'Hogwarts, A History,' your house became like a second home, or a first in Snape's case.

He wandered up to the train and passed through into the last carriage, where he found an empty compartment and settled down, pulling a potions book out of his travel bag, pleased that he would be able to read it without being told off and beaten by his father and that he would be left in peace for a few hours. The pain in his chest had welled up again from the strain of carrying his suitcase for miles and he wished that he could confide in someone and ask for help. Snape dismissed this thought, he could not tell anyone. They would think him weak, would laugh at him. No it was better this way; surely his ribs would heal on their own soon. Severus' head felt heavy and as soon as he rested his forehead against the window he fell into a deep sleep, his potions book falling from his grasp onto the floor.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

Snape was thrashing in his sleep mumbling and letting out cries of distress, "No! Leave Me Alone. PLEASE." Four boys who had entered the compartment exchanged glances, uncertain whether to wake up the skinny, greasy haired boy who had been sleeping for the last 2 hours. They decided against it as he soon settled down and only occasionally whimpered, it is bad luck to wake someone up whilst they are having a nightmare, James thought, although he did not enjoy the sight of the boy suffering.

"Anything from the trolley?" An elderly witch was bustling along the corridor of the carriage, she had a slightly hunched back and grey curly hair, but her face was kind and gentle and lit up with a smile that reached her eyes. She was pushing a trolley covered in sweet treats from Honeydukes. James Potter, Serius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew all exchanged looks.

"Do you think we should wake him?" Questioned James, "he might be hungry."

"Yeah, he's way too skinny, could do with fattening up. Anyway if he cries out in his sleep one more time I swear I will use spellotape on him! Wait a sec..." Sirius smiled and with one swift movement produced his wand and muttered "Aguamenti." A jet of water exploded from Sirius' wand and was aimed at Snapes hair and face. Spluttering Snape jumped up shaking his hair and blinking surprised. The four boys laughed, although the smallest, with short, sandy hair and scars across his face looked slightly guilty in doing so. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Severus bellowed. "Waking you up, isn't that obvious," Sirius snickered and muttered, "anyway your hair needed a good clean, chill." The last remark was met with more laughter and Snape felt himself blush scarlet. "Well why did you feel the need to wake me up in such a manner, a tap on the shoulder would have sufficed, you got all my clothes wet." He spat with as much malice as he could, although due to his wet hair and soaked blouse this remark did not seem at all threatening, despite the tone. "That would not have been as fun, anyway we woke you up as the trolley lady is coming and we thought you might be hungry." Sirius retorted, sniggering at the sight of the sopping wet teen trying to be threatening. "Well I'm not!" Snape mentally cursed the boy and rolled so his head was against the window once more, letting out a small hiss as pain coursed through his ribs once again.

"Are you ok?" The sandy haired boy had not missed Severus' grimace and exclamation of pain. "FINE!" Snape snapped, he was damned if he would tell these idiots what was wrong and would not show weakness in front of them. "Ok, at least let me dry you off. Arefacio." Snape found that his hair and clothes had been dried by the boys charm and couldn't help but be grateful. "My name is Remus by the way, Remus Lupin, and this is James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black." Remus pointed respectively to each of his friends and offered Snape a hand, which Severus promptly ignored, although he did respond verbally, revealing his name to the other boys. It was at that moment that the trolley lady reached their compartment and slid the door open. Snape was amazed by all the sweets on the trolley and scanned the packets reading the names. He had only ever seen muggle sweets and his father had never bought him any. Glancing at the bright wrappers he read the names, Acid Pops, Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Cauldrons, Chocolate Frogs, Cockroach Clusters, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Exploding Bonbons, Fizzing Whizzbees, Ice Mice, Liquorice Wands, Pepper Imps, Pumpkin Pasties, Sugar Quills and Toothflossing Stringmints. His mouth watered despite his usual issues with food.

"Anything sweet for you, dears?" She asked them, "yeah, 5 packs of Acid Pops, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs, Fizzing Whizzbees, Liquorice Wands and Pumpkin Pasties please." James ordered his favorites, paid and then divided the sweets between the 5 boys. "I can't pay for these," Snape mumbled, his cheeks turning scarlet once again and beginning to pass the sweets back to James. "Don't be silly; lets call it a truce for me soaking you earlier." James threw back the Chocolate Frog box that Severus had passed back, although the young boy failed to catch the box and it hit his square in the chest. Snape let out an involuntary howl of pain and felt tears well up in his eyes as he grabbed his chest and gasped for breath. Intense pain had made his vision go cloudy and he had a brief sensation of falling, collapsing into a dead faint.

The Marauders watched in horror as the young boy cried out in pain and collapsed, falling of his seat on top of the potions book which was still lying there. "Shit!" James exclaimed before rolling the boy into the recovery position. "Peter, do something useful and call for help." Peter scurried out of the carriage and moments later reappeared with the trolley lady. "What on earth happened?" "I threw a chocolate frog to him and it hit him chest and I don't know why buthewentallfunnyandthencollapsed." James' speech sped up in distress and he was overcome with worry that the witch would tell him of for harming another passenger. "Don't worry dear, it was an accident, Rennervate."

Snape awoke with a groan and sat up, "What the hell was that for!" He exclaimed angrily at James. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." James was taken aback by the boy's anger and watched in dismay as he grabbed his potion book and trunk and scooted out of the carriage, pushing past the trolley lady without so much as a thank you and snapping that he was fine. "My, I wasn't expecting that, poor boy he was probably frightened, don't take it to heart dearie," the trolley lady offered James a small smile and began to draft a note to Dumbledore voicing her suspicions that the boy was badly hurt and needed to visit Madam Pomfrey immediately.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

Entering an empty compartment in a different, empty carriage Snape fiercely wiped the tears from his eyes and wished silently that he had not been so harsh to James. He hadn't meant to hurt him, although apologizing was a sign of weakness that Snape refused to show. He soon closed his eyes once more and dozed of, exhausted. He came to when the sandy haired boy called Remus entered his carriage and asked him whether he was aright. Severus ignored this comment and sat silently, eying the boy with suspicion. "Please come back to the other carriage with me, we saved your sweets!" "I am not hungry." However, Snape's stomach chose that exact moment to gargle loudly and he admitted defeat, following Remus back to the other carriage. He sat quietly listening to their conversation whilst nibbling on the offending Chocolate Frog and then the Liquorice Wand. Soon a call echoed around the train, although there was not tannoy system, magic, no doubt, announcing that they would be arriving soon and should change into their wizarding robes. At that the other four boys opened their bags and began to change. Snape felt an overwhelming sense of dread course through him, he couldn't change in front of these boys, they would see his bruises and scars and think he was a freak. "Come on, it's not like we haven't seen it all before!" Sirius laughed at Snape's uneasiness. Resolved to his fate Snape slipped off his oversized blouse and began to pull on his robes as quickly as possible, although he was not swift enough to cover up the marks across his pale skin before the other boys viewed them.

"Oh my goodness, what happened to your back?" James exclaimed when he viewed all the marks which appeared to have been made with a whip or belt. Snape ignored this comment and tried unsuccessfully to re-tie his shoelaces, but his hands were shaking so violently that this was impossible. "No wonder you were in so much pain, your chest is a mess, are your ribs broken? Have you seen a doctor?" Snape was bombarded with numerous questions which he tried to ignore and block out, and felt a surge of relief when the train pulled into the platform. "Leave me alone, I don't want your pity." "But..." "GO AWAY!" Severus and Sirius began to argue until eventually Severus punched the straggly haired boy, blowing any last chance of friendship and stalked of the train suitcase in hand. Snape immediately felt guilty, he hadn't punched Serius hard enough to break his nose, but really the boy had done nothing to deserve the attack and was only showing concern. Snape sighed and continued before feeling a hand on his shoulder. He reeled around, loosing his grip on the suitcase and felt dizzy as images began flashing through his mind.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

FLASHBACK

His father was coming up behind him, a hand was placed on Severus' shoulder and the boy felt himself being pushed to the ground and was beaten mercilessly for an hour before his father decided that more fun could be found at the pub.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

Snape was struggling to breath, "Hello? Severus can you hear me? Are you feeling alright?" A strict looking woman with a tight bun was leaning over Snape and he struggled to get away, his breaths were uneven and he felt clammy. Dizziness overcame him and he collapsed into her arms.

Once again Snape woke up disorientated on something soft. '_Where am I? What happened_?' Snape felt groggy when he came around and saw that he was lying in a bed with a white screen pulled around him. He could hear the voices of two women behind the screen one of which he recognised to be the woman on the platform. "I am going to cast a diagnostic charm on him to check the damage, the poor boy was clearly having a panic attack from what you described and the note suggests that he has hurt his chest." The first woman had a kind voice and Severus assumed that she was the matron. "Ok Poppy, do you want me to stay." "Yes Minerva, that may be wise, the boy will probably be distressed and you can offer him some comfort." 'So the woman on the platform is Minerva McGonagall, who his letter had been signed by, Snape mused and jumped slightly when the curtain was pulled back. "Oh hello sweetie, I am Madam Pomfrey the mediwitch, I just want to run a diagnostic charm to check whether you are ok, are you feeling alright?" Severus ignored the woman's question, thinking it was perfectly obvious that he was not feeling "alright" at all. The mediwitch clearly interpreted his lack of response as consent as she raised her wand, inducing a strange tingling feeling in Snape's toes which then moved progressively up his body to his head. A roll of parchment and quill formed from mid air and recorded the ailments which were revealed by the scan. Once the feeling ended Madam Pomfrey took the parchment and read the long list of ailment reading them aloud to McGonagall. "Anorexia with bulimic tendencies, malnutrition, anxiety, 3 broken ribs, acid burns on the skin, various bruises, deep cuts in the back and cuts on his legs and front as well as evidence of…." "Evidence of?" McGonagall prompted looking worried, "self harm."

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

'_Oh God they know_,' Snape was horrified, '_what will they do to me? Will they send me away? I don't want to go back._' Snape felt his breathing become laboured again, he couldn't breath, he was dizzy, he was going to die. Snape was having another panic attack. "It's alright sweetheart. Everything will be ok now. Can you tell us who did this to you?" Madam Pomfrey quickly realised that the boy was about to have another anxiety attack and began attempting to calm him down. "Minerva, will you please hold Severus' hand? Thank you. Severus I need you to breathe for me, that's it, calm down, no one here is going to hurt you." Snape eventually managed to control his breathing, pulled his hand out of Professor McGonagall's and mumbled, "My father." "Your father? Is he the one who hurt you?" Snape nodded. With a deep sigh Madam Pomfrey nodded, "I am going to fix you up a bit, starting with your ribs. Episkey." Snape felt his chest go hot, and then cold. The loud crack of bones snapping together still ringing in the air, he cried out in agony but refused to let the tears spill out of his eyes. He had cried far too much today. "Is that better?" Snape's head felt fuzzy again and he did not recognise which witch had spoken. A potion was passed to him which he swallowed immediately, no longer caring enough to protest. The dizziness stopped and Snape realised that it had been a nutrients potion which he had read about in his book. "I need to sort out your bruises now, that means I am going to have to remove your robe." Snape went red but nodded slightly. McGonagall slid her hand into his to comfort him, but once again Snape refused to accept the offer of kindness and pulled away. He gave another nod and with a wave of her wand, the mediwitch removed his robe, revealing the bruises and scars which littered his body. The Mediwitch hissed at the sight and began carefully rubbing a thick yellow cream into the boy's skin whilst Minerva ran a cool cloth over his forehead, wiping away the sweat. Eventually, after swallowing numerous potions and the application of more creams all over his body Snape was passed a vial of dreamless sleep which he accepted and drank down greedily.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

Snape awoke the next morning, for the first time in months he felt properly rested and yawned satisfied. He had not been woken by any of his usual nightmares and the bed in which he was sleeping was incredibly comfortable, the duvet was thick and he rested his head back into the plush pillows. He lay still with his eyes closed pondering yesterday's events and deciding that he should apologise to James Potter and Sirius Black after all. Half an hour later he heard hushed voices, Minerva McGonagall, Madam Pomfrey and an old man. That was when his peace was disrupted, the curtain was pulled back to reveal the two familiar witches and an old man with a long grey beard and twinkling eyes shaded by half moon spectacles. "Ah you are awake." Madam Pomfrey ran another diagnostic charm and seemed happy with the results, passing him another nutrients potion. Once satisfied the mediwitch left leaving McGonagall and the man, "Hello," the wizard stated, "I am Professor Dumbledore, I heard about your condition and wanted to check up on you, it seems that Poppy here has performed impeccably as ever." Uncertain of what to say, Snape nodded and began to fiddle with the hem of the nightshirt which he had been dressed in. "Well," Dumbledore clearly felt uncomfortable in the silence, "with your consent, we would like to remove you from your father's care and find you an adoptive family". Snape stared at the man before breaking out into his first genuine smile in years. "Really?" "Yes, everything will be ok now; he will never hurt you again!"

Once Dumbledore and Minerva had left, Snape began to read his potions book again and accepted all the potions from the mediwitch who conversed with him, talking about the school, the teachers and houses, music and films.

Two days later she seemed happy with his progress and allowed Severus to dress in his wizarding robes and leave the hospital wing. Snape was relieved, he couldn't wait to go to his classes. Wandering down the corridor he saw the four boys from the train carriage and made his way over to them feeling incredibly self conscious. "Oh it's you," James snarled. Facing Sirius, Snape mumbled, "I'm sorry that I hit you." Before Sirius could say anything James butted in, "It's a bit late for that, no one punches my friend and gets away with it!" With a flick of his wand Snape was hoisted into the air by his ankle, his robes sliding down to reveal his grey underpants. With that James and Sirius burst out laughing and began walking away. Peter then followed, as always. Only Remus remained and shot Severus a pitying look and levitating him down with the spell he had learnt previously in charms with Professor Flitwick. Without a word he then went after James, Peter and Sirius. Severus sighed having a sinking feeling that his abuse would not end at Hogwarts and that he had made one too many mistakes by rejecting their friendship.

Years later, alone Snape reflected on those fateful events and decided that they had indeed turned out to be a mistake too far.

~*~x~*~~*~x~*~~*~x~*~

THE END


End file.
